Time

Time seems to slip away faster than a raging river the older I get. The worst part is I realize each day, as it is slipping away, almost too late, that each moment is more and more precious. I think back of the time wasted, the time that dwindled away, the times where I made nothing happen, just wished the time away, just wished it would past by faster.

Each day I sit at work, I feel the clock in my soul ticking louder and louder. Not enough time, not enough time, not enough good moments. Sitting here rotting away, turning into another clone of the machine, and inside I am screaming, please don’t take me, I don’t have enough time for what really matters.

I sat outside today, for just a moment, a moment that was too short, just long enough for my skin to warm and pink-up in the sun. I closed my eyes, smelled the soon to come summer, and prayed for a way out, a way to save more time, to use my time in a way that fills my day with moments and memories that mattered. Sun warming my eyelids, my scalp, the sun down my back, and the smell of the trees around me. I can hear the sounds of cars around me, the sounds of the ladies chatting not to far from me, and it all seemed to fill my head with un-needed noise. I am constantly battling that creepy black feeling in my heart that this is as good as I will ever be. But that can’t be, there is more, God has promised me more, I know He has.

I find myself sitting again, here at my desk, my head swimming in a dull headache, and it’s taking all I have to not stand up and scream, enough, no more, I mean more, my life means more!! I swallow those feelings down, hold them down until they drown, painfully hold back the tears, hold them back hard until my eyes and head hurt more. I wait for it to pass, and I go back to what I have to do to get my job done. I keep running “attitude of gratitude” thru my mind, I keep telling myself to “HAVE FAITH”, “keep your chin up, roll with the punches, keep a good attitude”. It will pay off, I will make it. God has a plan for me, and I have time to wait for Him to allow it to surface in the well of my soul. He won’t allow me to waste the time He has given me.

I let waves of peace wash over me, breath in deep breaths thru my nose, and remind myself God is Love, and I can do all things thru God who strengthens me. And peace comes to me, running thru me like a flash flood. It mellows to a lovely lake, in which I just relax, let God take over and do the best I can, the best I know how, and hope the same for all the others out there like me.

I read somewhere that sunflowers always keep their face to the sun, that they follow the sun. I have always taken that with me, which is why I place sunflowers here and there in the places I occupy, to remind myself to keep my face to the sun, to follow the sun and keep my head high.