Slippery Slope
My mind is distracted and diffused.
My thoughts are lying many miles away…
Just heard those lines in song by Simon and Garfunkel, called Kathy’s Song.
It struck me because I feel very much that way today. Despite the sunny day outside, it seems there is just a cloudy fog over my day. I’m tired, exhausted, and worn out. My job is beating me down lately, and days like today make me wonder what my true purpose really is. Of course I say these things as I put a billion dark chocolate covered cranberries in my mouth, then wash those down with hot tamales….so much for having a good food day. Totally self-sabotaging and I hate that, yet I notice I put aside those thoughts to dig through the bag of chocolates for more.
Hello fat girl? What are you doing to yourself? Do you seriously want to do that, Ms. Pudge? 165 chocolate calories later, and 140 hot tamale calories later, I’m kicking myself and wondering if I should just eat a few more….you already ate that many, may as well go in for total destruction.
I know that food is my shelter, my home, the place I run no matter the weather that I am facing in my life. So if I know this, why can’t I control it? Not sure on the answer to that, but isn’t half the battle admitting you have an issue? Or is that just an excuse to say, hey, I know why I do it, but never really get to the bottom of it and fix it. Or is running to food something I can’t fix? It’s as if I run to it because I’m so afraid of relying on just me to get it resolved, that if I hide in a pound of chocolate, the work stressors and life’s hardships will become easier. How silly is that? No amount of chocolate, or cheese covered French fries will ever take care of the 155 emails in my inbox, or the voicemails that need to be returned. Nor will a bag of chips handle the laundry or clean up dinner….seriously, all it’s doing is filling my stomach and adding fat cells to my butt and obviously my brain, but it’s not addressing the real issues.
Just one mis-step and you’ll slip before you know it. Life is a slippery slope for a fat girl whose fighting not only her weight but herself….and each day I feel as if I am walking on egg shells….hoping the bottom doesn’t give out and I don’t just dive into the biggest vat of heavenly chocolate I can find, then run through fields and forests of cheeseburgers, French fries, hot wings, chips, guacamole, and ding dongs.
Just thinking about those fields of food gives me tingly feelings of elation and uber joy! But the reality is, in the end, I wouldn’t be any more happier than if I had just sat down, knocked out the work, wrote down how I felt and sucked down the water like the Sahara desert during a rain storm.
And I feel that I’m waiting for something….what am I waiting for? What do I really think is going to happen? There is nothing fun about being the fat girl. Oh you do hear a lot about what a great personality you have or how nice you are, or you hair cut looks great, but you don’t often hear someone say, hey nice tight buns you got there. Then I think, do I really give a rats ass about what others think of me? Do I care if I have buns of steel? And even if I don’t want to be superficial, deep down, yeah, I want someone to notice me cause of how good I look once in awhile, and not by how great I can format a spreadsheet or how I can cook a mean meatball.
I am ready, I am ready, ready get set….get set….get set…..ready….get set……GO! Hey Fatty Fat girl…STOP dragging those feet and just GO!
My thoughts are lying many miles away…
Just heard those lines in song by Simon and Garfunkel, called Kathy’s Song.
It struck me because I feel very much that way today. Despite the sunny day outside, it seems there is just a cloudy fog over my day. I’m tired, exhausted, and worn out. My job is beating me down lately, and days like today make me wonder what my true purpose really is. Of course I say these things as I put a billion dark chocolate covered cranberries in my mouth, then wash those down with hot tamales….so much for having a good food day. Totally self-sabotaging and I hate that, yet I notice I put aside those thoughts to dig through the bag of chocolates for more.
Hello fat girl? What are you doing to yourself? Do you seriously want to do that, Ms. Pudge? 165 chocolate calories later, and 140 hot tamale calories later, I’m kicking myself and wondering if I should just eat a few more….you already ate that many, may as well go in for total destruction.
I know that food is my shelter, my home, the place I run no matter the weather that I am facing in my life. So if I know this, why can’t I control it? Not sure on the answer to that, but isn’t half the battle admitting you have an issue? Or is that just an excuse to say, hey, I know why I do it, but never really get to the bottom of it and fix it. Or is running to food something I can’t fix? It’s as if I run to it because I’m so afraid of relying on just me to get it resolved, that if I hide in a pound of chocolate, the work stressors and life’s hardships will become easier. How silly is that? No amount of chocolate, or cheese covered French fries will ever take care of the 155 emails in my inbox, or the voicemails that need to be returned. Nor will a bag of chips handle the laundry or clean up dinner….seriously, all it’s doing is filling my stomach and adding fat cells to my butt and obviously my brain, but it’s not addressing the real issues.
Just one mis-step and you’ll slip before you know it. Life is a slippery slope for a fat girl whose fighting not only her weight but herself….and each day I feel as if I am walking on egg shells….hoping the bottom doesn’t give out and I don’t just dive into the biggest vat of heavenly chocolate I can find, then run through fields and forests of cheeseburgers, French fries, hot wings, chips, guacamole, and ding dongs.
Just thinking about those fields of food gives me tingly feelings of elation and uber joy! But the reality is, in the end, I wouldn’t be any more happier than if I had just sat down, knocked out the work, wrote down how I felt and sucked down the water like the Sahara desert during a rain storm.
And I feel that I’m waiting for something….what am I waiting for? What do I really think is going to happen? There is nothing fun about being the fat girl. Oh you do hear a lot about what a great personality you have or how nice you are, or you hair cut looks great, but you don’t often hear someone say, hey nice tight buns you got there. Then I think, do I really give a rats ass about what others think of me? Do I care if I have buns of steel? And even if I don’t want to be superficial, deep down, yeah, I want someone to notice me cause of how good I look once in awhile, and not by how great I can format a spreadsheet or how I can cook a mean meatball.
I am ready, I am ready, ready get set….get set….get set…..ready….get set……GO! Hey Fatty Fat girl…STOP dragging those feet and just GO!
posted by Leslie | 9:55 AM
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