Accomplishments....Do I have those?
Today was the annual Thanksgiving Luncheon at the boys' school.
I arrived just after 10:30 to find the parking lot full, and the school full of boys, girls, and parents. As I walked into Joey's classroom, the kids were singing and showing off their dancing talent. I couldn't help tearing up as I watched my son, sing, and dance. I tried to look around at other parents to see if I was the only odd ball, from what I could tell, I was the only crier in the group. Go figure.
I watched for a few minutes, then snuck over to Nick's classroom, and once he saw me he was so excited, he could hardly sit still!
Of course it's Thanksgiving and the thing to do is talk about and think about what we are thankful for and what we are blessed with. So I am no different than the norm. I was filled with gratefulness for my boys and how much they have turned my life into something I never did expect it to turn out like.
It was a synchronistic moment. Last night Joey and I were going thru my cedar chest. Looking at old pictures, tons of awards I had received, things I had written, yearbooks, my high school letter jacket, my college graduation cap, and tons of other odds and ends that told the story of my past life.
And of course, I cried the whole time Joey and I looked thru the piles of memories. After Joey went to bed, I cried some more, because I felt as if I had changed. Somewhere between high school and college, I went from the award winning, stellar student, swimmer, writer, and fun loving person, to what I am today. What I am today is not what I was, and I am not what I told myself I would be. So the depression sank in. Now, I can't tell you what I thought I would be, because I have no idea, I always felt special, like I could accomplish whatever I put my mind too. And for some reason, I don't feel as if I have accomplished much. The depression was still with me when I woke up this morning, almost choking the air from me.
Paging thru the memories and pictures, I remember what I was. The smell of my letter jacket, the stack of swimming ribbons, the feel of the pages of my yearbook. The band awards and pictures of our state award winning band, all stuffed into a small cedar chest. I suddenly felt as if I hadn't done myself any justice in the past 10 years.
Then the luncheon today and I watched my oldest son sing, recite the state he lives in, how many stars there are on the American flag, and which two oceans surround the USA. I watched my youngest son laugh, and smile with pure unconditional love when he saw me. The instant joy I felt made all those feelings of inadequacy from the night before wash way.
I realize that we as a society don't consider parenting an accomplishment. When women say, Oh I'm a mom. There is some strange stigmatism to that, that we don't consider that a worthy enough accomplishment. That being a mom is not a way to climb the corporate ladder and be productive members of the capitalistic society we live in. Each day I see that, I swallow down the crap I am fed, that I can't be both, or that I need to choose. Maybe I won't be the CEO of a large company, but I will always be a mom and maybe one day, one of my boys will be the CEO of a large company, and I'd rather be proud of that. Proud to say I raised them right. Raised them to believe that accomplishments are more than what others say they are. Accomplishments are measured by your own self worth and not by the worth that others assign to you.
I still am searching for my place in this world, fighting each day to remember what is important and not what I am told is important. Each day brings new territory to cross, and I should be thankful for each day I have made it thru to the next. I have a hard task in front of me. Just being me each day, and living it well, and raising my kids to be good people, is an accomplishment. In the end, if I had multiple college degrees, a doctorate, or a Nobel peace prize, if I don't have anyone to share those things with, what does it matter? The awards are just paper, the pictures just ink, the memories lost if they are not shared.
My greatest accomplishment today was not crying uncontrollably in front of my son and his whole class and their parents....now that is something I am thankful for! Tomorrow's accomplishment is still yet to be seen.
I arrived just after 10:30 to find the parking lot full, and the school full of boys, girls, and parents. As I walked into Joey's classroom, the kids were singing and showing off their dancing talent. I couldn't help tearing up as I watched my son, sing, and dance. I tried to look around at other parents to see if I was the only odd ball, from what I could tell, I was the only crier in the group. Go figure.
I watched for a few minutes, then snuck over to Nick's classroom, and once he saw me he was so excited, he could hardly sit still!
Of course it's Thanksgiving and the thing to do is talk about and think about what we are thankful for and what we are blessed with. So I am no different than the norm. I was filled with gratefulness for my boys and how much they have turned my life into something I never did expect it to turn out like.
It was a synchronistic moment. Last night Joey and I were going thru my cedar chest. Looking at old pictures, tons of awards I had received, things I had written, yearbooks, my high school letter jacket, my college graduation cap, and tons of other odds and ends that told the story of my past life.
And of course, I cried the whole time Joey and I looked thru the piles of memories. After Joey went to bed, I cried some more, because I felt as if I had changed. Somewhere between high school and college, I went from the award winning, stellar student, swimmer, writer, and fun loving person, to what I am today. What I am today is not what I was, and I am not what I told myself I would be. So the depression sank in. Now, I can't tell you what I thought I would be, because I have no idea, I always felt special, like I could accomplish whatever I put my mind too. And for some reason, I don't feel as if I have accomplished much. The depression was still with me when I woke up this morning, almost choking the air from me.
Paging thru the memories and pictures, I remember what I was. The smell of my letter jacket, the stack of swimming ribbons, the feel of the pages of my yearbook. The band awards and pictures of our state award winning band, all stuffed into a small cedar chest. I suddenly felt as if I hadn't done myself any justice in the past 10 years.
Then the luncheon today and I watched my oldest son sing, recite the state he lives in, how many stars there are on the American flag, and which two oceans surround the USA. I watched my youngest son laugh, and smile with pure unconditional love when he saw me. The instant joy I felt made all those feelings of inadequacy from the night before wash way.
I realize that we as a society don't consider parenting an accomplishment. When women say, Oh I'm a mom. There is some strange stigmatism to that, that we don't consider that a worthy enough accomplishment. That being a mom is not a way to climb the corporate ladder and be productive members of the capitalistic society we live in. Each day I see that, I swallow down the crap I am fed, that I can't be both, or that I need to choose. Maybe I won't be the CEO of a large company, but I will always be a mom and maybe one day, one of my boys will be the CEO of a large company, and I'd rather be proud of that. Proud to say I raised them right. Raised them to believe that accomplishments are more than what others say they are. Accomplishments are measured by your own self worth and not by the worth that others assign to you.
I still am searching for my place in this world, fighting each day to remember what is important and not what I am told is important. Each day brings new territory to cross, and I should be thankful for each day I have made it thru to the next. I have a hard task in front of me. Just being me each day, and living it well, and raising my kids to be good people, is an accomplishment. In the end, if I had multiple college degrees, a doctorate, or a Nobel peace prize, if I don't have anyone to share those things with, what does it matter? The awards are just paper, the pictures just ink, the memories lost if they are not shared.
My greatest accomplishment today was not crying uncontrollably in front of my son and his whole class and their parents....now that is something I am thankful for! Tomorrow's accomplishment is still yet to be seen.
posted by Leslie | 1:12 PM
1 Comments:
Leslie,
Way to go! My wife found the myth of the bad mother helpful, although I've never read it. I totally agree with you about how mothers are totally not valued in our society, even though they have the hardest job. I think that sucks.
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