The Role of June Cleaver
I'm back at work after a long weekend, and I am finding myself with tons of work to do, but not necessarily stuff I want to do.
And as I am working and I see the wallpaper on the desktop of my computer and it's a picture of my boys in their Halloween costumes, and I am sick to my stomach. What am I doing here? Why am I not home with my boys? Why am I not taking care of my house and my kids and my spouse?
I thought I would never say that, but this overwhelming feeling of loss in the pit of my stomach has been growing lately.
That feeling was made worse this weekend with the visit of my dad. I miss him so much. He's moved to Florida and when I dwell on it, it kills me. So here I am at work, trying extremely hard not to cry while I type this. So far, it's not working, and yes, I've cried more than once typing these up, call me a freak.
So why am I here? I am starting to see myself better off being at home, taking care of my family and being a good mom. Instead I am at a job, that is not gratifying, that doesn't have much meaning, and I am spending 40+ hours a week doing it. 40 hours I could be home with my boys.
What's wrong with me? What happened to my women's lib attitude? What happened to me being adamant about not staying home? What about my college degree and my so-called career?
It just seems trivial now. When I was laid off last November, thru the early part of the year, I was content. I actually dreaded going back to work. I knew I had to, and we checked out the all the angles, and deep down, I was really sad that I was leaving my house and my boys, especially my youngest. Heart breaking.
Now here I am, almost a year later, and I am asking myself the same questions, again. Do I dare try to answer the question? Do I really admit that I'd rather be a domestic engineer? Do I look for a way to make the leap to the role of June Cleaver?
I don't know. I just know this morning, when I had to hassle Joey a million times to get dressed, and when I looked at the mess my house was in, and the load of laundry in the wash that will need to be washed again, and the giggling and smiling of Nick, I was depressed. I am sad, weighed down, and not quite the person I am supposed to be. I am trying to stick it out another year or two, until Joey is in school full time, maybe I can go down to part-time, and be there for him before and after school.
Please God, help me make it. Help me swallow my guilt, fear, anger, and my lack of ability to be the good mom and wife I am supposed to be.
Amen
And as I am working and I see the wallpaper on the desktop of my computer and it's a picture of my boys in their Halloween costumes, and I am sick to my stomach. What am I doing here? Why am I not home with my boys? Why am I not taking care of my house and my kids and my spouse?
I thought I would never say that, but this overwhelming feeling of loss in the pit of my stomach has been growing lately.
That feeling was made worse this weekend with the visit of my dad. I miss him so much. He's moved to Florida and when I dwell on it, it kills me. So here I am at work, trying extremely hard not to cry while I type this. So far, it's not working, and yes, I've cried more than once typing these up, call me a freak.
So why am I here? I am starting to see myself better off being at home, taking care of my family and being a good mom. Instead I am at a job, that is not gratifying, that doesn't have much meaning, and I am spending 40+ hours a week doing it. 40 hours I could be home with my boys.
What's wrong with me? What happened to my women's lib attitude? What happened to me being adamant about not staying home? What about my college degree and my so-called career?
It just seems trivial now. When I was laid off last November, thru the early part of the year, I was content. I actually dreaded going back to work. I knew I had to, and we checked out the all the angles, and deep down, I was really sad that I was leaving my house and my boys, especially my youngest. Heart breaking.
Now here I am, almost a year later, and I am asking myself the same questions, again. Do I dare try to answer the question? Do I really admit that I'd rather be a domestic engineer? Do I look for a way to make the leap to the role of June Cleaver?
I don't know. I just know this morning, when I had to hassle Joey a million times to get dressed, and when I looked at the mess my house was in, and the load of laundry in the wash that will need to be washed again, and the giggling and smiling of Nick, I was depressed. I am sad, weighed down, and not quite the person I am supposed to be. I am trying to stick it out another year or two, until Joey is in school full time, maybe I can go down to part-time, and be there for him before and after school.
Please God, help me make it. Help me swallow my guilt, fear, anger, and my lack of ability to be the good mom and wife I am supposed to be.
Amen
posted by Leslie | 1:01 PM
2 Comments:
Leslie,
Wow. It sounds really hard for you right now! Thankyou for being honest and real and for being willing to sit in the middle of all that difficulty and ... engage with it--feel it, rather than avoiding it or running away from it--engaging god and other people in the middle of it.
Benjamin Ady,
Thanks for the comment! I read this somewhere once: I prayed for strength and God gave me difficulties to make me strong. Each day has been an adventure.
Leslie
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